The Football Factory - Starring Danny Dyer

Written, directed by and starring Danny Dyer in his sensational film debut this film was based on Dyer's own experiences working in a football factory.

Dan D (Dyer) is sick of his dead end life in a London kitchen sink estate so he takes a job sewing footballs in a football factory in the hope of escaping the bleak streets.

Dan D fancies himself a cut above the other employees due to the colour of his skin (he is the only white person there) and thinks that his rise through the factory's ranks is inevitable.

When a refugee is promoted to QA instead of the hard working but inept Dan D he finds himself expressing racist opinions he never knew he had. He encourages his white friends to get jobs at the football factory to "level the playing field" (one of many football metaphors expressed throughout the film).

The influx of like-minded (no-minded) white people causes tensions with the happy refugee community of the football factory leading to violent confrontations (pictured right).

Just when it seems the two sides will never get along Dan D finds out that there are plans to close the football factory  and move it to Guatemala.

The whites and the refugees join forces and fight to keep the football factory open. After killing the management in a bloody battle they all relax down the pub to watch a game of, what else, football.

A cinematic triumph for the young maverick who has never quite managed to better it.

Lolita - Starring Jeremy Irons, Kirsten Dunst

When dutiful school teacher Humbert Humbert (Jeremy Irons) is falsely accused of fiddling with his students, he is determined to prove his innocence. When his wife Charlotte (Melanie Griffith) is brutally murdered he knows he is being set up.

Taking his teenage daughter Dolores (Kirsten Dunst) with him as he travels across country to escape the law. He is hotly pursued by the maverick detective Quilty (Frank Langella).

This black comedy was badly received mostly because it turns so sharply from being a thriller into a goofball comedy all about how men are bad at bringing up teenage girls and don't know what to say or do about stuff like periods or boyfriends. Humbert never manages to prove his innocence and ends up killing Quilty in a bloody gun battle which gives the film an unfinished feeling.

Irons puts in a great performance but Dunst steals the show in the most memorable role of her career.

Barb Wire - Starring Pamela Anderson, Udo Kier

Lousy retelling of the Casablanca story which renders the Bogey classic nothing more than a teenage wank favourite.

Pamela Anderson stars as Barb Wire, a conspicuous boot legger (in the literal and metaphorical sense of the words) who spends half the film walking around in front of her brother wearing hardcore bondage gear (he's blind so it's okay).

Barb doesn't have Humphry Bogart's dialogue to help the remake. She does have the crap catchphrase "Don't call me babe." Which must rank up with much forgotten Channel 5 talk show host Jack Doherty's much forgotten "Applaud my guests," as a catchphrase that went down like a bowl of cold french onion soup someone had spat in.

Yes this film is dreadful. Don't watch it unless you are horny and single, and even then you'll skip most scenes and put the others on slow play.