Dear John - Starring Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried and Sylvester Stallone

Dear John is Sylvester Stallone's blockbuster prequel to his smash franchise Rambo. Speaking about the movie Stallone said: "this movie explains how Rambo became Rambo. It's all about John Rambo when he was a goofy private and the girl who fucked him up so bad he went on the rampage."

Rambo fans won't be disappointed. There's a bit of slushiness at the start that your girlfriend can get into but by the time the bloodbath starts it'll be too late to turn it off.

Cindy Youngblood (Seyfried) talks endlessly about how her dad is going to buy her a pony for her birthday. John Rambo (Tatum) is a young private on leave from the army "who doesn't need to be asked. He sure don't need to be told." (His motto which he repeats throughout the whole film making everyone yawn) he hangs around anyway trying to be a fun guy. Rambo and Cindy have an awkward fumbling romance full of conversations and sex that never really get going.

When Cindy's dad buys her a Ferrari for her sweet sixteen instead of a pony she asks Rambo to kill him.

Rambo obliges and uses his US marine training to kill her dad but finds he can't control himself. He kills her whole family, her friends at school, the school itself and the crusty principal who tries to talk shit to him. Then he burns it down, cooks her dog in the flames and eats it while she stands there crying.

Then he tells her to run because he can't stop himself. She gets into her Ferrari and drives into the sea in some hairbrained teen suicide bullshit sub plot that kind of kills the whole film.

A disaster really. Stallone should have left the whole franchise alone. Now he's ruined it for the fans.