On Golden Pond - Henry Fonda, Bono, Bob Geldoff

An old man in an old folks home sits in the corner by himself.

He pisses himself.

Someone comes and changes his nappy.

He pisses himself again.

It trickles down his leg onto the floor.

Someone comes and cleans him up again.

His piss forms a growing puddle on the floor.

WILL THIS GOLDEN POND NEVER END?

Dear John - Starring Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried and Sylvester Stallone

Dear John is Sylvester Stallone's blockbuster prequel to his smash franchise Rambo. Speaking about the movie Stallone said: "this movie explains how Rambo became Rambo. It's all about John Rambo when he was a goofy private and the girl who fucked him up so bad he went on the rampage."

Rambo fans won't be disappointed. There's a bit of slushiness at the start that your girlfriend can get into but by the time the bloodbath starts it'll be too late to turn it off.

Cindy Youngblood (Seyfried) talks endlessly about how her dad is going to buy her a pony for her birthday. John Rambo (Tatum) is a young private on leave from the army "who doesn't need to be asked. He sure don't need to be told." (His motto which he repeats throughout the whole film making everyone yawn) he hangs around anyway trying to be a fun guy. Rambo and Cindy have an awkward fumbling romance full of conversations and sex that never really get going.

When Cindy's dad buys her a Ferrari for her sweet sixteen instead of a pony she asks Rambo to kill him.

Rambo obliges and uses his US marine training to kill her dad but finds he can't control himself. He kills her whole family, her friends at school, the school itself and the crusty principal who tries to talk shit to him. Then he burns it down, cooks her dog in the flames and eats it while she stands there crying.

Then he tells her to run because he can't stop himself. She gets into her Ferrari and drives into the sea in some hairbrained teen suicide bullshit sub plot that kind of kills the whole film.

A disaster really. Stallone should have left the whole franchise alone. Now he's ruined it for the fans.

Sleepless In Seattle - Starring Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan

Tom Hanks used this edgy psychological thriller to try to break out of his dreary rom-com image.

Tom stars as Hanks, a lonely insomniac who attempts to break out of his desperate life by kidnapping a dying woman's only son. He plans to become the boy's father and feel important.

Hanks' plan to become a somebody is shattered by the harsh reality of a frightened boy who does nothing but cower in the corner and cry for his dead mother.

Since the only word the boy says is "mummy" Hanks sets about finding one for him.

The only other person in Hanks' life is DJ Funky Ass Babe (Meg Ryan) a New York radio DJ whose show Hanks listens to avidly.

Hanks travels to New York in the hope of bringing DJ Funky Ass Babe back to Seattle with him. He stalks her and eventually chases her up the Empire State Building where she kung-fu kicks him off the top.

Hanks plummets to his death. The fate of the boy remains unknown. There has been talk of a sequel called Son of Hanks (starring Tom's real life son Colin Hanks) but plans were shelved due to the poor sales for the DVD  of Sleepless in Seattle.

Macho Cowboy Rating: 1/5 stars.

Labyrinth

Documentary following David Bowie's 1986 Labyrinth tour. Shot by a naive 14 year old fan who won a competition on TV's Going Live. We are invited into an excessive world of cocaine, dwarves and black magic.

Backstage footage shows a wasted but well meaning Bowie being led by his entourage into partaking in some risky behaviour most notably kidnapping a baby, which leads to a high speed chase from the cops through his native Germany. It ends when Bowie and the gang dump the baby in a petrol station bathroom and cross the border into the Communist East.

The tour begins to take it's toll on Bowie who starts to believe he is Jareth, King of the Goblins and can transform into a giant owl. He is often seen trying to walk through mirrors.

Everyone is clearly very worried about Bowie but him and the band still put in some amazing live performances:



The documentary ends with the fan telling Bowie that she thinks he's weird but his music still rocks. Bowie attempts to turn into an owl one last time and everyone humours him by telling him he managed it.

Kick Ass! - Starring Nicholas Cage, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

First off I'm not sure how this film got past the censors.

Kick Ass tells the story of Aaron, a lonely teenage boy who takes comfort in wearing his mum's gym clothes when he's been left alone in the house. He pays his 11 year old neighbour Chloe to beat him senseless.

Chloe's dad finds out about it but instead of destroying Aaron and his kinky ways he wants to play too.

He sets about teaching her how to "kick" serious "ass" in the hope of having a few bones broken by his pre-teenage daughter, and proclaims himself king of the game as Big Daddy.

A panicked Chloe realises the game has gone too far and calls the police who promptly show up and want to join in.

Chloe realises that she has no choice but to kick everyone's ass - Aaron's, her dad's, the police, anyone who stands in the way of her freedom.

The film ends with Chloe on the run from the police. She hooks up with a team of bounty hunters who talk shit about how much they'd love to kill vampires instead of people. She wastes them a few nights in when they get drunk and start asking her to wear false vampire teeth and leather.

All in all a very suspect film. Not one for the kids, it's heavily suggestive storyline makes it illegal in several countries so be careful taking it on holiday with you.

 WARNING: Kick Ass sequel Domino starring Keira Knightly is a disaster, don't watch it.

Capote! - Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, Catherine Keener, Clifton Collins Jr.

When four innocent people are murdered. The country cops find the case too hard to crack. Tough talking city cop Capote is called in to bust some skulls and bring the bad guys in.

Capote finds out the bad guys are already in jail and gets himself convicted of a fake crime so he can serve the bad guys with "Capote Justice" (thump their skulls).

Capote gets in a tussle with the bad dudes but they gang up on him and throw him from a roof where he breaks his own legs.

The bad dudes get killed anyway because they have life sentences and Capote makes a million bucks because he writes a book about it called IN COLD BLOOD.

Altogether a bit far fetched but Philip Seymour Hoffman is great as the "take no shit" detective. A career best.

Macho Cowboy Rating: 3/5 stars.